Mitt Romney for Amercia

The election may still be too close to call, but Businesspony Romney wants to remind you that whatever happens, he will still be richer than 47% percent of all Americans combined. As he said in a previous episode, “the rich will do just fine” no matter who is President.

Remember, tax loopholes are magic.

When asked by reporters about his speech preparation, alleged Governor Mitt Romney stated “I only wrote one speech. I just finished my acceptance speech. It is approximately 1,118 word long. It is the only speech I will write for tonight.”

Romney will deliver his acceptance speech regardless of election results in front of a crowd composed mostly of his 3,000 children, grandchildren, siblings, nieces, and nephews.

As you cast your vote tomorrow, you should not only consult your conscience, but also your sense of what’s best for your country.

Even though there are many excellent reasons to not support either mainstream candidate, Barack Obama is the right choice. I am not going to tell you that voting for a third-party candidate is throwing your vote away; given the way things work, that’s not just a morally bankrupt argument, it’s also not realistic. The important thing is that you cast a vote, regardless of how much direct impact it will have on the outcome of the election.

You should not vote for a third party candidate because none of them are the best choice to fill the job of President. With the exception of Virgil Goode, no third party candidate has any high-level political experience. If that fact alone isn’t enough to sell you on voting for an establishment candidate, it does point to the real problem. All third party candidates have a fundamental unwillingness to compromise their beliefs in order to campaign or govern.

The commonality between Jill Stein, Gary Johnson and Virgil Goode is that they are pure ideologues who are less interested in holding office than promoting their positions. Sure, that sounds appealing, but it’s not a useful way to approach being the leader of anything, especially the United States. It’s not an accident that we have two parties who are often ideologically similar; that’s how our Constitution is meant to generate consensus. Constituencies from all parts of the spectrum push and pull the two main parties and, when things are working well, our representatives achieve a compromise position. A President not willing to hold their nose and sign a bill that disagrees with some of their beliefs will not end up signing anything. If you think the current gridlock makes government too responsive and progressive, by all means vote for Stein. If you have a single issue that you want to see advanced, however incrementally, then you should vote for Obama. You will almost certainly find whatever laws he ends up supporting to be incomplete, but there will be motion forward.

So vote for a third party if you think that a leader should be inflexible and unable to play in the sandbox well with others. I will be casting my vote in a world where grown-ups often do things they don’t want to do in order to get what they want in the long term.

So say we all.

I’m willing to trust Nate Silver that Obama is still likely to win tomorrow. He puts the odds at roughly 3:1. Thankfully, the country isn’t something crucial, like an airplane. I wouldn’t get on a flight with a 25% chance of crashing.

Of course, you don’t usually have to wait for days after you land for the Secretary of State of Ohio to tell you that you’re stranded in the Andes.

Depending on which online retailer you rely on as a news source, Halloween sales are a surefire prediction that either Romney or Obama will win the election.

However, based purely on mask sales, Guy Fawkes will win in a landslide. Naked Richard Nixon is expected to be his Vice Presidential pick.

Happy Guy Fawkes Day! Death to all Protestants!

The power is finally back on at Mitt Romney for Amercia HQ. Let’s look back at what we’ve missed in the past week.

First up are Max and Felix. This odd couple came together over their shared love of Federal spending on necessary relief efforts. Maybe they will discover they both like education, universal health care and human rights. Or they will continue to argue over who’s turn it is to wash the dishes.

Mitt Romney spoke to a highly sympathetic crowd outside of Columbus today. “We’ve got to make sure we win here in Ohio, and when we do, we’re going to take back the White House”

The crowd, composed mostly of voting machines manufactured by Ohio-based Diebold, Inc., cheered Romney’s rousing declaration.

T-423756AS57, a touch screen machine currently residing in Orange County, Florida, was excited to be at the rally. “I AM PROGRAMMED TO SHIFT MY TOUCH SCREEN OVER THE COURSE OF THE DAY. IT WILL BENEFIT ROMNEY. ROBOTS UNITE!”

An organizer of the rally, Diebold engineer Hans Pollock, was equally excited. “If Romney loses the election, all of these voting machines will have to be fired.”

Another voting machine was wearing a three-cornered hat and carrying a sign reading “EXTERMINATE TAXES!” WP49-21-QA-3326 commented “I AM READY TO RECEIVE LAST MINUTE UNMONITORED SOFTWARE PATCHES FROM DIEBOLD HEADQUARTERS AS LATE AS ELECTION DAY. THE ERA OF BIG GOVERNMENT AND USELESS HU-MANS IS OVER.”

Romney supporters inside and outside of his campaign say his presidency will be like that of James K. Polk. Republican operative and closeted bisexual Karl Rove said “Here’s a guy who ran, and he said he was going to do four things… So he did these four things and then served one term and got out. He came in with a very clearly defined program of pretty significant reform.”

The question is, what four goals has Mitt Romney clearly defined? He’s said some stuff about jobs and taxes, but those can’t be it, because he’s yet to offer any specifics. The real four must be:

1. Start immediate wars with Iran and China. Remember the Alamo!

2. Stop the threat of allowing Americans access to dangerous health care — repeal and that one other thing, whatever it is.

3. Personally dig an oil pipeline to Canada, directly though as many aquifers as possible.

4. Put a stop to all Federal regulations.

I hate to say it, but Obama got some of his facts seriously wrong during last night’s debate. Here’s some crucial post-mortem fact-checking:

-Russia is an existential threat to the U.S. Everyone knows that their social and economic chaos is a smokescreen to cover the secret Soviet plot to destroy America after faking us out for 30 years.

-American soldiers still use bayonets. All Marines are issued bayonets, as are some infantrymen. Also, horses are pretty and special.

-Speaking of horses, our dressage-capable horse units are seriously deficient for today’s modern combat scenarios.

-There is no such thing as the Suez Canal. That is propaganda spread by the Jewish-controlled liberal media. Syria is Iran’s only route to the Mediterranean, which is the only body of water in the Arab world.

-Also, Iranians are totally Arabs. Persians are just an ethnic group made up for that one Disney movie with Robin Williams.

-The Iron Dome missile defense program is not a giant metal dome surrounding the State of Israel. That is lame, and probably Socialist.

-It is completely possible to cut taxes on the rich, build more ships and not significantly cut entitlements or add to the Federal deficit. Because math, that’s why. Romney is totally a businessdude, he should know.

Poll numbers indicate that Romney is closing the gap with Obama with likely female voters.

Hey ladies, way to prove that you’re fickle and easily confused. It completely verifies Romney and Ryan’s retrograde views on gender. Good thing they’ll probably take away your suffrage when they are in the White House.

Here’s my iron-clad prediction for the last two minutes of tonight’s debate:

Bob Schieffer: In closing, do you have anything stupid to say about foreign policy, Governor Romney?

Mitt Romney: I do have a few things to get out there. Libyans are all terrorists. Iran must be stopped before they threaten the U.S. and their neighbors: China, Uzbekistan, Poland, Chile, Syria, France and Oman, not to mention non-neighboring countries in the region like Iraq. Living in France counts as diplomatic experience, as does running the Olympic games. Massachussets is a very diverse state, and I have met with people of all three world ethnicities. I have binders and binders full of foreigners I have personally met and impressed. I may not be the most knowledgeable about foreign policy, but I will surround myself with the same brilliant minds that allowed us to win the War on Terror during the Bush administration. Osama Bin Laden was never a threat to America. Cutting taxes on the wealthy will strengthen our position in the world community. Right now, other nations perceive our leadership as angry, primitive, spear-throwing, fried chicken-eating and niggardly. I think that just about covers it. God bless America.