In a stunning upset, the Republican nominee for President is an unknown, moderate governor with a background of shady business deals. Little else is known about the candidate, but many members of the press noted his ruggedly handsome chin.
Actor John Voight best encapsulated his party’s enthusiasm for their new leader: “Somebody’s got to right the ship.”
Rick Santorum, a former Senator from Pennsylvania whose deeply felt misogyny is perfectly in line with the current values of conservatives, seemed shocked by his failure to receive his party’s blessing.
Other candidates for the position seemed nonplussed with the delegates’ decision, and have not yet offered comment on the selection of a relative unknown with a pro-choice, pro-gay, anti-gun record and rumors of secret offshore accounts, exotic investments and tax evasion.
Michelle Bachmann, self-appointed den mother of the extremist Tea Party faction of the GOP, seemed the most taken aback by the nomination. She told reporters “The Tea Party isn’t getting its due” before a well-paced and rhetorically excellent rant about “political correctness” and its effects on foreign policy. She began to repeat her pet theory that Obama’s State Department has been infiltrated by the pro-democracy Muslim Brotherhood before being tased by security and led back to her lair.
Elsewhere at the convention, science fiction author Newt Gingrich put his campaign to bed by teaching the second in a series of lectures. Today’s topic was doublespeak. His main focus was on reclaiming certain words, like “public,” “build,” and “red tape” from their associations with government. “We should call public schools bureaucratic schools.” He has not yet acknowledged he is not the Republican nominee. Pundits speculate that his latest wife, Callista, may be waiting to break the news gently.
Novelty candidate Herman Cain and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie have threatened to hoard all of the world’s pizza supplies if they are not accepted as the Republican presidential ticket.
John Huntsman, a serious-minded Republican with a history of bipartisan cooperation and extensive foreign policy experience could not be reached for comment and may not yet be present in Tampa.
Details about the Republican presidential hopeful are slowly trickling out to the media. The nominee’s name is rumored to be Mitt Romney, but the candidate refuses to release this information to the public.